So drunk its hurt
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
