i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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