so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
