I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My penis needs a shock collar
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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