I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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