you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I believe in your delicious
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
