i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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