I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
