I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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