Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
