everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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