dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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