I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
