Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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