Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I have demons in me.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
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