I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Who died my cat blue again?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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