I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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