Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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