then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
