I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
