im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
