someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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