One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
