he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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