it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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