Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
