I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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