I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
