I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
