Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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