I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
