You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
