Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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