When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
