its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
i think we sleep fucked last night...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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