I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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