Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
sarcasm needs its own font
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
