That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
