I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
