I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
