You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
