i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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