mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
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