Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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