I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
