So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Can you bring me the toilet please
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
