All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
