I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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