Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
