I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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