I think im going to throw up on grandma
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
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THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
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I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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