We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
