sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
