I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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