im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize