Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
